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할머니의 부음
어제부로 92세의 고단한 삶의 끈을 놓으셨다.
우리 외할머니 이야기다.
새벽 기차를 타고, 할머니가 계신 대구로 향할 준비를 하고있다.

어제 새벽 할머니의 부음 소식을 듣고 , 안방에서 울고 계신 엄마를 보았을 때 마음이 너무 무거웠다.
할머니의 부음보다 더 부담스러웠던것은 엄마의 울음,효를 다하지 못한 딸의 후회였다.
난 왜 그 시점에서 언제 닥치게 될지도 모를 우리 엄마의 먼 훗날의 부음 소식이 상상이 되던지.....덩달아 너무 무서웠다.다시는 만날수 없다는 것이...
아무리 효도를 다해서 한이없다해도,다시 만날수 없다는 건 너무 가혹하다.

내가 기억하는 할머니는 몇 십년전부터 꼬부랑 할머니셨다.
지금 연세가 92세니깐 내가 열살때도 할머니는 70세였고 내가 스무살때도 할머니는 80세 셨다.
나에게 할머니는 계속 할머니셨다.
그래서 할머니에게 젊은 시절이 있었으리라곤 상상해본적도 없었다.
하지만 우리 할머니에게도 나와같은 시절이 있었을 것이다.
부모에게 사랑받던 아가시절도, 설레이는 사랑을 하던 시절도,시련의 시간들과 행복했던 시간들 모두 있었을 것이다.

할머니에게 너무 미안한 마음이 든다.
이렇게 다시는 만날 수 없게 될줄 알았더라면, 할머니에게 잘해드렸어야 했다.
난 조금도 착한 손녀가 되드리지 못했다.
같이 놀아 드린적도 없었고,찾아뵌 적도 별로 없었다.
할머니의 노쇠함이 얼마나 지루하고 불편할지 이해하지 못했다.

부모님께 잘 해 드려야지.
다시 만날수 없다는 건 너무 잔인하다.
그래서 어떻게든 이 불변의 진리를 ,자연의 섭리를 바꿔보고 싶지만 난 미약한 인간이고 언젠간 나도 죽는 날이 찾아올거다.
모든 인간은 나고 늙고 병들고 죽는다.
형체를 가진것이든 형체를 가지지 않은 것이든,모든 것은 변하고 쇠퇴하는 것이 자연의 섭리이다.
사실 이런 진리를 깨닫는다면 이 세상엔 욕심낼것도 방황할것도 집착할것도 없건만 자꾸 욕심을 내고 집착을 한다.

이렇게 길지도 않은 한 평생을 살면서, 우리는 정작 행복한 삶을 살고 있는 걸까?
진정 의미있고 후회없는 삶을 살고 있는 걸까?
이 물음에 자신있게 대답할 사람은 아마도 많지 않으리라.
좀더 많이 베풀고 사랑하며, 즐겁게 최선을 다하며 살아가야겠다.




    


  
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