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내 인생에 가장 인상깊은 비둘기
난 개인적으로 새를 가장 싫어한다.
바퀴벌레보다 쥐보다 새가 더 무섭다.
그 중에 왠지 비둘기는 더....

일본에 있을때는 까마귀가 너무 공격적으로 보였다.
그리고 진짜로 공격적이기도 했다.
부리와 발톱은 독수리를 능가한다.이 놈의 까마귀는...

한국에는 까마귀 수 만큼이나 비둘기들이 살고있다.
공격적이지는 않지만 왠지 날개를 펄럭이면 무수히 많은
먼지와 세균들이 나풀거릴것만 같은 ...그래서 입과 코를 꼭막고
지나가곤하는 비둘기.

이렇게 싫어하는 새들 중에 잊혀지지 않을 것같은 비둘기가 한마리있다.

우리집은 작은 옥상이있다.
부모님들은 옥수수차를 끓이고 남은 옥수수알들을 잘 추려내시고,
물기를 좀뺀후에 꼬들꼬들해질때까지 말리신다.
그리곤 아침마다 비둘기 모이를 주시곤한다.

일주일도 더 전쯤인가....
속이 상한일이있어서 옥상으로 올라갔다.
그 당시는 머리가 멍해서 주위에 뭐가 있는 지 조차도 보이지도 않았다.
한참을 그러고 있을 쯤
눈앞에 가만히 앉아있는 비둘기 한마리와
그 주위를 비비돌고 있는 또 다른 한마리가 눈에들어왔다.

어디가 아프구나!
몸은 지탱이 안되는지  앉아있다가도  넘어지기를 몇 번 ...
눈도 힘이 없어서  한참만에 감았다 뜨기를 몇번...
그리고는 힘을 내야겠다고 결심을 했는 지 어렵게 어렵게 걸어서 그늘도지고
물도 괴어있는 화분맡에 머리를 의지하고 앉아있다.

힘을 내야하는 데 .......

일상으로 돌아간 나는 비둘기에 대해서 까맣게 잊고 있었다.
그후 이틀후 엄마와 올라가본 옥상에는 그 모습그대로 비둘기가
앉아있었다.

가엽다며 다가간 엄마는 아직 죽지 않아다며 안고 오셨고
우리는 몇일째 먹지도 못했을 비둘기를 위해 설탕물을 게와서
먹여주었다.그러나 이내 죽고말았다.
그 몇일을 아무도 없는 어둠과 적막함속에서 자신의 죽음을
기다렸을 그 비둘기는 얼마나 외롭고 두려웠을까...

이 비둘기는 몇 년 전부터 부모님이 뿌려주시는 모이를 먹으러오는
8마리의 비둘기중 한마리이다.
벌써 3마리는 어김없이 우리집을 찾아와서 죽었고 ,이 비둘기도
죽을 때를 알고 우리집으로 찾아온 것이다.
어쩜 이들에게는 우리집이 친정과 같은 곳이였는 지도 모르겠다.

남아있는 4마리는 아직도 우리집으로 모이를 먹으러 온다.
하지만 결코 다른 비둘기들을 데리고 오는 법이 없다.
의리라기보다는 처절한 생존경쟁의 모습일거다.
한 마리가 따라오면 멀찍이 몇 바퀴를 돌아서 왕따를 시킨다음에
항상오던 그 무리만오곤한다는 이야기를 어머니가 해주신적이있다.

어렸을 적부터 죽음을 무엇보다 두려워한 나는 어떤 죽음앞에서도
마음을 다스릴수가 없다.
오직 혼자서 받아드려야하는 죽음이라는 문턱앞에서있는 사람들을
보면 마음이 너무 아프고 외롭다.
하지만 어느것하나 나눌수도 방법을 생각해 낼수도 손을  쓸수도 없다.
인간은 이 부분에 관해선 어떠한 결정권도 가지지 못한다.

암 말기로 병원에 누워계신 작은 삼촌은 아직 자신의 병명을 모르고 계신다.
손을 쓸 수가 없다는 병원의 말에 우리는 다들 절망을 했지만,아직 차마 말을 할수가 없어서 앞에서는  웃고 돌아서서는 우는 가슴아픈 연극을 하고 있다.

비둘기를 보면서 ....누워계신 삼촌을 보면서.....그리고 은주를 기억하며,
왠지  인생은  너무 외롭다는 생각이든다.













가나  :  누군가 기억해 줄 사람이 있으면 되는거야.
비둘기들에게 네 부모님은 자신들을 기억해 줄 안식처인거야.
뭐든 다 돌아 와.
그것이 실체건 추억뿐이건 우리에게 결국은 다 돌아와.그래서 넌 혼자가 아닌거고.
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2011/06/07
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2011/06/07
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